Why Some People Make You Doubt Yourself (And What You Can Do About It).

Updated: 3 hours ago

When Someone Undermines Your Confidence: How to Trust Yourself Again

Most of us can think of someone who leaves us doubting ourselves.

Sometimes they're openly critical. Sometimes they're dismissive. And sometimes they disguise hurtful comments as "just being honest" or "only trying to help".

One comment on its own might not seem particularly significant. But when you hear the same sort of message repeatedly, over months or years, it can start to have an effect.

You may find yourself second-guessing decisions that you would once have made quite easily. You might apologise when you haven't actually done anything wrong, hesitate before speaking up, or find yourself asking other people what they think before trusting your own judgement.

And sometimes, without really noticing it happening, you can begin to believe what you've been told.

That doesn't mean the other person was right.

It means you've heard the message often enough for your unconscious mind to learn it.

The good news is that, even if someone has affected your confidence, that doesn't mean you have to feel this way forever. Confidence can be rebuilt, and an important part of that is learning to trust yourself again.

Why does it affect us?

We're social beings, and our experiences with other people help shape what we learn about ourselves.

Our unconscious mind is constantly taking in information about what happens around us and looking for patterns. When we're encouraged and supported, we can learn that it's safe to have our own opinions, make mistakes and try new things.

But if we're repeatedly criticised, dismissed or made to feel that our judgement can't be trusted, our unconscious mind may learn something very different.

It may learn to be cautious.

It may learn to look to other people for approval.

It may learn that making a mistake is something to avoid at all costs.

And eventually, someone else's opinion can start to feel like our own.

That's important because it means that low confidence isn't necessarily a reflection of who you are. It can be the result of what you've learned to expect.

And what has been learned can be changed.

How undermining affects you

The effects aren't always obvious at first.

You might question perfectly reasonable decisions, replay conversations afterwards, worry about getting things wrong or seek reassurance before making a choice.

You might find it harder to speak up or express your opinion. You may even feel drained after spending time with a particular person.

And you might start wondering whether you're simply "too sensitive".

But if you've learned to expect criticism from someone, it makes sense that your unconscious mind might become more alert around them. It's trying to anticipate what might happen next.

That doesn't mean you are too sensitive.

It means your response has a reason.

Over time, this can affect much more than individual decisions. You might stop putting yourself forward for opportunities because you assume you won't be good enough. You may become increasingly dependent on other people's approval, or find yourself saying "I don't mind" when actually you do because it feels easier to go along with someone else's preferences than risk disagreeing.

Eventually, you may become so accustomed to questioning yourself that you don't even notice you're doing it.

And someone else's criticism can become part of your own internal dialogue.

This is why rebuilding confidence isn't simply about telling yourself to "be more confident".

It's about helping your unconscious mind learn something different.

Trusting yourself again

One of the things I often see in therapy is that people don't necessarily need to become more confident before they can trust themselves.

Sometimes it's the other way around.

They begin by making small decisions for themselves.

They start noticing what they actually think and feel.

They allow themselves to have an opinion without immediately checking whether everyone else agrees.

And gradually, they discover that they can make mistakes and still cope with them.

Trusting yourself doesn't mean believing that you'll always get everything right. None of us do.

It means knowing that if you make a mistake, you'll be able to deal with it.

It means being able to listen to someone else's opinion without automatically assuming that they know better than you.

And it means recognising that your judgement deserves a place in the conversation too.

What can you do?

If someone has been undermining your confidence for a long time, it can be tempting to think you need to become strong enough that their comments no longer affect you.

But I don't think confidence works quite like that.

Instead, it can help to notice what you've learned and give yourself small opportunities to experience things differently.

Notice what happens

When you find yourself thinking, "I'm not good enough", "I'll probably get this wrong" or "They'll think I'm stupid", you don't necessarily need to argue with the thought.

Instead, become curious about it.

Ask yourself: "Where might I have learned this?"

Perhaps you've heard similar things from someone else before. Perhaps you've experienced situations where making a mistake was met with criticism. Or perhaps you've spent so long trying to keep someone else happy that you've learned to put their judgement ahead of your own.

You don't need to work out exactly where every belief came from.

Sometimes simply recognising that it has a history can help you see that it isn't an unchangeable part of who you are.

Notice what you do well

When your unconscious mind has learned to look for evidence that you're not good enough, it can become very good at overlooking the things that contradict that belief.

So start noticing them.

Not in a forced, "I'm amazing" kind of way.

Just notice the things you handle, the decisions you make, the problems you solve and the times you cope with something that wasn't easy.

They don't need to be big achievements.

You're simply giving your unconscious mind more information to work with.

Practise trusting yourself in small ways

You don't have to suddenly become assertive or start making every decision without considering anyone else's opinion.

Start small.

Choose something because you want it.

Give your opinion without immediately qualifying it.

Make a decision without asking three other people what they think.

And notice what happens.

Each time you make a decision, cope with the outcome and realise that you're okay, you're giving your unconscious mind another experience from which it can learn.

Confidence grows through experience.

Pay attention to how people make you feel

Think about the people you spend time with.

Who do you feel comfortable being yourself around?

Who encourages you, even when they're giving you feedback?

And who leaves you feeling that you have to prove yourself?

This doesn't mean that everyone who challenges you is undermining you. Healthy relationships can include disagreement and constructive criticism.

The difference is often in how you feel about yourself afterwards.

Some people leave us feeling comfortable, accepted and able to be ourselves.

Others leave us questioning ourselves or feeling that somehow we weren't quite good enough.

You don't need to make any immediate decisions about those relationships. Just noticing the difference can tell you something important.

Remember that their behaviour isn't a verdict on you

It's very easy to assume that if someone repeatedly criticises or undermines us, there must be something about us that deserves it.

But that's not necessarily the case.

People behave towards others according to their own experiences, beliefs and ways of seeing the world. Their behaviour may be influenced by their own insecurities, expectations or experiences.

Whatever the reason, it isn't necessarily a reflection of you.

That doesn't make their behaviour acceptable, and understanding it doesn't mean you have to tolerate it.

But it can be helpful to remember that someone else's opinion of you is not an objective assessment of who you are.

You can take useful feedback from someone without accepting their judgement of your worth.

If you'd like to explore this further, you may also find my previous blog, "How to Deal with Difficult People Without Losing Your Calm" helpful.

A question for reflection

Whose opinion has been carrying more weight in your life than your own?

It might be someone's opinion about your abilities, your appearance, your decisions, your work, your parenting or simply the kind of person they think you are.

You may genuinely believe what they've told you.

That's understandable if you've heard it often enough.

But believing something doesn't necessarily make it true.

It may simply mean that your unconscious mind has learned to expect it.

You don't have to convince yourself that they're wrong overnight.

You don't have to become completely confident before you can start trusting yourself.

You can simply begin to notice whose voice you're listening to, become curious about what you've learned, and give your own experience and judgement a little more space.

Because confidence isn't about never doubting yourself.

It's about gradually learning that you can trust yourself to listen, make your own decisions, and cope with whatever happens next.