Indecisiveness: Why We Struggle to Make Decisions and How to Overcome It
Have you ever spent so long deciding what to do that you end up doing nothing at all? Perhaps you've agonised over a purchase, wondered whether to change jobs or spent months considering a change in your life without quite taking the next step.
You might tell yourself you need more information or time to think. Yet somehow, the more you think about it, the harder the decision becomes.
Indecisiveness can leave us feeling frustrated, anxious and less confident in ourselves. It can also mean we miss opportunities or remain in situations that no longer suit us.
But what if making decisions more easily isn't simply about thinking harder? What if it starts with understanding why choosing feels so difficult in the first place?
Why do we struggle to make decisions?
Decision making is mainly being controlled by the unconscious mind so we can conciously know that a decision needs to be made but the unconscious mind holds us back.
Here are several reasons why making a decision can feel surprisingly difficult.
We're afraid of getting it wrong. If we've learnt that mistakes lead to criticism, disappointment or rejection, our unconscious mind may try to protect us by encouraging us to think everything through before acting. This can be helpful when caution is needed, but it can also keep us stuck.
We overthink and search for certainty. We compare options, imagine what might go wrong and keep looking for more information, hoping it will finally make us feel confident. Unfortunately, more thinking doesn't always bring greater clarity. Sometimes, it simply gives our worries more opportunities to find another reason not to decide.
We don't trust ourselves. Perhaps we've regretted decisions in the past, or we're used to seeking reassurance from others. We may become so concerned about what other people think that we lose touch with what we actually want.
We want to please everyone or make the perfect choice. We might worry about disappointing someone, or believe there's one ideal option and that choosing anything less would be a mistake. Yet most decisions involve compromises, and it's rarely possible to find an option without disadvantages.
Understanding which of these patterns affects you can be a useful first step. Rather than criticising yourself for being indecisive, you can begin to explore what's making a particular choice difficult.
When putting off a decision becomes a decision
In my therapy room, I sometimes work with people who have been unhappy in their jobs or relationships for a long time, yet find it difficult to make a change.
They may recognise that their job is affecting their wellbeing or that a relationship is no longer making them happy. They've thought about leaving, perhaps many times, but never quite take the next step.
It's not necessarily that they don't know what they want. The prospect of change can feel more daunting than continuing with a situation they already know. There may be worries about money, loneliness, other people's reactions or the possibility of making the wrong choice. So they carry on as they are, waiting for the right moment, greater certainty or circumstances to become clearer. Meanwhile, months or even years can pass.
Sometimes, the familiar feels safer than the possibility of something better, simply because we know what to expect.
This isn't about blaming ourselves for staying or suggesting that leaving is always the right answer.
Jobs and relationships can be complicated, and some situations require careful thought and planning. Rather, it's about recognising when we're actively choosing to stay and when fear, uncertainty or inertia is making that choice for us.
Even if you're not ready to make a big change, you can begin by exploring what you want, what you're worried about and what a small first step might look like.
What can Petter Johansson's research teach us about making decisions?
Psychologist Petter Johansson has conducted fascinating research into how we make choices and understand our own preferences.
In one experiment, people were asked to choose which of two faces they found more attractive.
Sometimes, researchers secretly switched the chosen face for the one the person hadn't selected.
Surprisingly, some participants didn't notice and went on to explain why they'd supposedly chosen the face they were shown.
This phenomenon, known as choice blindness, suggests that we don't always understand our own choices as well as we might think. Sometimes, we can even find reasons to justify a choice without realising it wasn't the one we originally made.
So, what does this have to do with indecisiveness?
When we're struggling to decide, we often assume we need to work out exactly what we want before we can act. Johansson's research raises an interesting question: what if we don't always need to have all the answers in advance?
The research doesn't prove a way to overcome indecisiveness, but it offers an interesting starting point. Rather than endlessly analysing our options, we can become curious about our responses and learn more about what matters to us.
Six ways to make decisions easier
1. Ask yourself what you're really worried about
Suppose you're considering a new job but keep putting off applying. Instead of weighing up the pros and cons again, ask yourself:
What am I worried might happen if I choose this?
Am I looking for more information, or hoping to feel completely certain?
What would getting it wrong mean to me?
You may discover that the difficulty isn't the decision itself, but a fear of rejection, a lack of confidence or concern about other people's reactions. Understanding this gives you something more useful to work with than another round of overthinking.
2. Explore your responses to each option
Imagine yourself choosing each of the options you're considering. What do you notice? Perhaps one brings excitement, another relief, or one leaves you feeling unexpectedly disappointed.
These reactions aren't necessarily instructions to follow. Anxiety doesn't automatically mean something is wrong, and excitement doesn't guarantee that a choice is right. But your responses can provide useful clues.
Ask yourself what they might be telling you. Are you drawn to an option because it genuinely appeals to you, or because it feels safer? Are you avoiding something because it doesn't suit you, or because it takes you outside your comfort zone?
The aim is to explore your preferences, not to find a hidden, infallible answer.
3. Separate what you want from what you think you should want
Other people's expectations can influence our decisions more than we realise. We might follow a familiar career path, make choices to keep everyone happy or pursue what we believe success is supposed to look like.
Try asking yourself:
If nobody else had an opinion, what would I be drawn towards?
Which option best fits my priorities and values?
Am I choosing this because I want it, or because I want approval?
You can care about other people and consider their feelings without making yourself responsible for ensuring nobody is ever disappointed.
4. Aim for a good-enough decision
Perfectionism can make even simple choices exhausting. We keep comparing, researching and looking for something better, afraid that settling for a good option means missing out on the best one.
For everyday decisions, try setting a time limit and choosing once you've found an option that meets your main requirements.
Bigger decisions may need more thought, but ask yourself whether you genuinely need more information or are trying to eliminate every possible risk.
You don't have to guarantee a perfect outcome to make a sensible decision.
5. Build confidence through small decisions
You don't have to wait until you feel confident to start making choices independently. You can develop confidence through experience.
Try making a few small decisions without repeatedly asking others for reassurance. Choose what you'd like to eat, decide how to spend a free afternoon or select something you've been putting off buying.
Notice what happens when you make a choice and allow yourself to experience it without continually wondering whether another option would have been better.
These small experiments help you practise tolerating uncertainty and discovering that you can make decisions, manage the outcome and adjust when necessary.
6. Allow yourself to learn as you go
We often judge decisions using information we only discover afterwards.
Imagine accepting a job that turns out to be very different from what you expected. It's easy to look back and tell yourself you should have known better. But did you have that information when you made the decision?
If you made a thoughtful choice based on what you knew at the time, an unexpected outcome doesn't automatically mean you made a bad decision. You may simply have learnt something you couldn't have known in advance.
Sometimes, we'll never know what would have happened if we'd chosen differently. Perhaps another job would have been more fulfilling, or perhaps it would have brought different difficulties.
Life rarely offers us a clear choice between right and wrong. Most options have advantages and disadvantages, and we can't predict every outcome.
You don't have to know that you've made the best possible decision. You need to make the best decision you reasonably can with the information available, and allow yourself to learn as life unfolds.
What if indecisiveness has become a habit?
Sometimes, understanding why we struggle to make decisions isn't enough to make choosing feel easier.
If you've spent years worrying about getting things wrong, pleasing other people or needing certainty, these responses may have become familiar patterns. Your unconscious mind may have learnt to associate choosing with risk, even when the decision in front of you isn't particularly dangerous.
This isn't a personal failing. It may be a protective response that has become less helpful over time.
By understanding what's happening, approaching your responses with curiosity and gradually trying different ways of making decisions, you can begin to build a more trusting relationship with yourself.
You don't need to become someone who makes every decision quickly. Some choices deserve careful consideration. The aim is to find a balance in which you can think things through without becoming trapped in endless deliberation.
If indecisiveness is significantly affecting your confidence, relationships or quality of life, talking to a therapist may help you explore the patterns behind it.
A question to leave you with
Think about a decision you've been putting off. What would happen if you stopped trying to guarantee that everything would turn out well and instead focused on making a reasonable choice for yourself now?
Perhaps you could take one small step, gather the information you're genuinely missing or acknowledge that you've thought about it enough.
You may still feel uncertain. You may even change your mind later. Neither necessarily means you've made a mistake.
Sometimes things don't work out as we'd hoped. Sometimes they work out better than we expected. And sometimes an experience we initially see as a mistake teaches us something important or leads us somewhere unexpected.
We don't have to get every decision right to build a life that feels right for us.
Perhaps the more useful question isn't, “How can I be sure I'm making the right decision?”
It's, “Can I trust myself to make a reasonable choice, learn from the experience and deal with whatever comes next?”
That may be a much more helpful place to begin.
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