Kindness: Why It's Good for You to Give — and Receive

I suspect that most of us would like to think of ourselves as kind people.

Even people who behave selfishly probably don't wake up in the morning thinking, "Today I'm going to be as selfish and inconsiderate as possible.” They probably have a perfectly reasonable explanation for why they're doing what they're doing, and from their perspective, they may not see themselves as being unkind at all.

That's one of the interesting things about kindness. We tend to think of it as something that other people either have or don't have, when actually it's much more complicated than that. Most of us are capable of being kind, thoughtful and generous, but we're also capable of being impatient, self-absorbed or thoughtless, particularly when we're tired, stressed or caught up in what's going on in our own lives.

And because we know our own intentions, we're often much more forgiving of ourselves than we are of other people.

If we snap at somebody, we know that we've had a difficult day. We know that we're tired, worried about something or simply didn't mean it the way it sounded. When somebody else snaps at us, we don't necessarily have that information, so it's much easier to think, "How rude. What's wrong with them?” or if we lack confidence - “Oh no - I’ve done something wrong!”

That doesn't mean we should excuse behaviour that isn't acceptable, but I think there's something useful in remembering that we rarely know the whole story.

And perhaps that's where kindness really starts.

Not with being perfect, or always being nice, but with remembering that there is another person on the other side of every interaction.

Kindness feels good

There is also a very practical reason to think about kindness: it feels good to be kind.

Most of us have experienced that little lift you get when you've done something for someone and know you've made their day a bit easier. It might be something very small, such as checking in with a friend, helping somebody who is struggling, making someone a cup of tea or simply taking the time to listen properly.

We enjoy helping other people because we're social beings, and having positive interactions with the people around us gives us a sense of connection and belonging. So when we do something kind, we're not only helping someone else; we're also doing something that can make us feel good ourselves.

In other words, kindness can benefit both the person giving it and the person receiving it. It can:

Create a sense of connection and belonging, because positive interactions remind us that we're part of something bigger than ourselves.

Lift our own mood, because there's something genuinely satisfying about knowing we've made somebody else's day a little easier.

Strengthen relationships, because thoughtful actions help people feel noticed, valued and cared about.

Make difficult interactions easier, because a little patience or understanding can change the tone of an encounter.

Create a ripple effect, because when someone feels supported or cared for, they may be better able to pass that feeling on to somebody else.

Give other people the opportunity to feel good too, because kindness isn't only something we give; it's something we can allow others to experience by receiving it.

And that last point is one we don't necessarily think about very often.

We're usually very happy to give kindness, but how comfortable are we at receiving it?

When you're always the one who helps

This is something I talk about with clients quite regularly, particularly people who have become the person everyone else relies on.

They're often the ones who remember everything, organise things, notice what needs doing and step in when somebody needs help. They've become so used to looking after other people that it can feel almost natural to put their own needs to one side.

Then someone offers to help them, and suddenly things feel rather different.

"Oh no, it's fine."

"Don't worry, I'll manage."

"You've got enough to do."

Sometimes that's because they genuinely don't want to inconvenience anybody. Sometimes they believe they should be capable of managing things themselves. And sometimes they've simply got so used to being the giver that it feels uncomfortable to be on the receiving end.

But I've found that it can be helpful to look at this from the other person's perspective.

If doing something kind for someone makes us feel good, why would we assume that other people don't want the opportunity to experience that feeling too?

Imagine that a friend is going to the shops and offers to pick something up for you. You might automatically say no because you don't want to put them out. But perhaps they weren't feeling put out at all. Perhaps they were pleased to be able to do something for you because they care about you.

When you accept their offer, you're not simply taking something from them.

You're allowing them to give.

And that means they get to experience the pleasure of doing something kind for someone they care about.

I think that can be quite a powerful shift in perspective, because accepting help doesn't necessarily mean that you're being dependent or becoming a burden. Sometimes it simply means that you're allowing another person to express their care for you.

And if we think about kindness as something that helps create connection between people, that makes quite a lot of sense.

The kindness we don't always notice

I also think kindness becomes more interesting when we start to notice the effect it can have beyond the person we're actually being kind to.

We rarely know what happens next.

You might be patient with someone who's having a difficult morning, and because you've made their interaction with you a little easier, they might be in a better frame of mind when they speak to the next person. A colleague might notice that you're struggling and offer to help, which means you don't have to carry quite so much on your own, and because you feel supported, you might have a little more patience when somebody else needs your help later.

It can become a kind of domino effect.

And it doesn't have to involve anything particularly impressive. It might be letting someone go ahead of you, listening rather than interrupting, checking in with somebody you know is having a difficult time or choosing to give someone the benefit of the doubt when you don't know what's going on for them.

None of this means accepting poor behaviour. Kindness doesn't require us to tolerate being treated badly, and sometimes protecting ourselves is exactly the right thing to do.

But there is often a moment between what somebody does and how we respond, and in that moment we have a choice.

We can immediately decide that someone is selfish, rude or inconsiderate, or we can pause and consider that there might be something happening for them that we don't know about.

We might still decide that their behaviour isn't acceptable, but we've avoided making a judgement about the whole person based on one interaction.

And I think that small difference can matter.

We all have the capacity to be kind — and unkind

Perhaps that's why I don't find it particularly useful to divide people into "kind people" and "unkind people".

We're all capable of both.

Most of us can be incredibly thoughtful when we're feeling good, and considerably less so when we're exhausted, frightened, angry or completely absorbed in our own problems. That doesn't make us bad people; it makes us human.

What matters is whether we're willing to notice.

Because once we notice how we're behaving, we have a choice about what we do next.

We can apologise if we've been short with someone. We can reconsider an assumption we've made. We can decide to listen rather than react. We can set a boundary instead of quietly building resentment. And we can accept someone's offer of help rather than automatically insisting that we're fine.

Those little choices are what make up our relationships.

And perhaps we can let other people be kind to us

I think this is the part that can be easiest to miss.

If you're someone who is very good at looking after everybody else, perhaps notice what happens the next time someone offers to do something for you.

Do you immediately say no because you don't want to put them out?

If you do, perhaps pause for a moment and consider what it might look like from their side.

They've offered because they want to help. They may actually feel good knowing that they've made your life a little easier. They may appreciate being given the opportunity to do something for you, particularly if you're someone they care about.

So perhaps you don't always have to refuse.

Sometimes you can simply say, "Thank you. That would be lovely."

Because when we allow someone else to be kind to us, we're not taking kindness away from them.

We're giving them the opportunity to experience it too.

And perhaps that's one of the things I like most about kindness. It isn't a limited resource, where if one person gives, another person loses.

It can move between us.

One person does something kind, another person feels a little better, and because they feel a little better, they're perhaps more able to pass something kind on to someone else.

We may never know how far that goes.

But we don't necessarily need to.

We can simply make the choice, whenever we can, to think about the effect we might have on the people around us, while remembering that being kind doesn't mean abandoning our own needs or allowing other people to cross our boundaries.

And if we're used to being the person who gives, perhaps we can also become a little more comfortable with receiving.

Because sometimes the kindest thing we can do for someone else is to let them do something kind for us.